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A minister anounced that admission to a church social event woud be $6 per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out: "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
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The real reason that we can't have the Ten commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ...... it creates a hostile work environment!
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, (with trailing cord) and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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AS SEEN ON CHURCH BULLETIN BOARDS: "People are like tea bags--you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." "Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives." "God so loved the world that He did NOT send a committee." "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low, but the retirement benefits are out of this world!" "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church." "Forbidden fruit creates many jams." = = = = =
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited, until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
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The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
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People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs hard on your front door forever.
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Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
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If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
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God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
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Some minds are like concrete; thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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Peace starts with a smile.
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We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
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Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
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Forbidden fruits create many jams. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
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He who angers you, controls you!
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If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
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Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
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The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
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We don't change the message, the message changes us.
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You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
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How to Get Into Heaven
A man dies and mets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says to the man, "Here's how it works. You need to have one hundred points to get into heaven. You tell me about all the good things you've done. They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one hundred or more, you can come in."
"Well," says the man. "I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years. I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly."
"That's great," says St. Peter. "That'll be two points."
"Hmmm," says the man. "This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully."
"Wonderful," says St. Peter, "That's worth another point."
"One point!" says the man. "Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years. I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared Jesus with them."
"Wow!" says St. Peter. "That's another two points!"
"Only two points!" says the man. "At this rate, it'll be by the grace of God that'll I'll ever get into this place."
"Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's one hundred points! Come on in."
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Seventh Day Adventist Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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Funny how one missing letter can change the meaning of a sentence.
This evening at 8 PM there will be hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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A Sabbath School teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?' 'No,' replied David. 'How could he, with just two worms?'
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The Sabbath School teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times 'Now, said the teacher, 'can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?'
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A little boy was attending his first wedding.
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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
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Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord.
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Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sabbath School. Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.
"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
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A four-year-old Adventist boy was playing with a four-year-old Catholic girl in a children's pool in the backyard. They splashed each other, got very wet and decided to take their wet clothes off. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn't know there was that much difference between Catholics and Adventists."
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After a church service on Sabbath morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I'll have to go to church on Sabbath anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
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One Sabbath morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Pastor Johnson, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?"
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Mysterious Ways of the Lord
I never thought I would enjoy watching the news about an airplane crash. But the Lord works in mysterious ways, and with a sense of humor!
First: No one died!
Second: The passengers standing on the wing appeared to be walking on water!
Third: It removed Obama from the headlines for 24 hours!
Fourth: No one in the government could take credit for the miracle!
and
Fifth: It wasn't George Bush's fault!
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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your door forever.
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Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
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I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
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A lot of church members who are singing 'Standing on the Promises' are just sitting on the premises.
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Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
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"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, 'I know! I know!' she said, 'To make the gravy!'
A little girl was talking to her elementary school teacher about whales. She had just learned about Jonah and the whale in her Sabbath School class. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible!
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, 'I know! I know!' she said, 'To make the gravy!'
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A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message
across to his congregation:
"It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't
interest them."
"And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."
Prayer
God answers Knee-Mail.
